In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
