you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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