So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
