thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
try to milk me bitch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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