Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize