took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
