Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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