Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
