I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
