I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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