Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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