last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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