I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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