how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
