I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
