We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
