The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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