Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
