who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
