he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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