omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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