I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
