Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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