Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
