So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
