sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
