I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
