i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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