Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
