I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
