matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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