i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
