i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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