I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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