When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The air taste purple.
Randomize
