a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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