I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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