So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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