Define "chronic" masturbator.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
