No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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