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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..

  Fav 13 1017 1709

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

  Fav 42 6394 1349

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

  Fav 62 10046 1949

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• (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

  Fav 54 12763 2275

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

  Fav 13 4924 1181

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

  Fav 11 2783 1082

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• (+27): View more from South Africa

  I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.

  Fav 13 770 1305

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

  Fav 11 1911 1470

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• (469): View more from Texas

  Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

  Fav 5 1568 696

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.

  Fav 3 772 516

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• (425): View more from Washington

  His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.

  Fav 1 409 548

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