He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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