I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
