I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize