When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
