Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
