epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
