I showed him my bush... on skype.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
