dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize