There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
