When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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