party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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