guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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