I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
