i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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