Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
