I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
