: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
