i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
