You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
