I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
