Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
